


the tenth commandment

by zialllovessterek



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Catholic Guilt, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Poor Ronan I'm sorry, self-harm tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 19:59:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6821923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zialllovessterek/pseuds/zialllovessterek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan tries to deal with coming out to his brothers. And it's really not a big deal, except that it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the tenth commandment

In the end, Ronan decides to tell them through text. It's less personal, and he doesn't want to see how Matthew's face changes when he hears it. 

"You know," Adam starts delicately. "You don't have to tell them. It's not a big deal, Ronan."

Ronan remembers being young, he doesn't know how young he was, just that he was young enough that he didn't know what being gay was. All he knew, was that in church, when the priest says something is true, it's true. That's what Niall had told him, as they flipped through his stiff bible that he had gotten for his first communion. The tenth commandment: thou shall not covet. He remembers that one. 

He clears his throat before scoffing. "I'm gonna tell them. It's not a big deal."

Except it is a big deal. Ronan's nightmares these days consist of memories and something abstract and something that painfully sounds like Declan lecturing. He doesn't know if it's better or worse that Matthew is silent in these dreams. And if he wakes up with his fingernails digging into his forearms and doesn't remove them until they draw little beads of blood, Adam doesn't need to know. 

Telling Gansey and Blue was easy enough. But they weren't like the Lynch boys. They didn't have it ingrained into their minds that being like that -Ronan couldn't bring himself to say it sometimes- was wrong. It was wrong and it was a sin. The tenth commandment, Ronan reminded himself. 

Adam was worried, Ronan could tell. They didn't go to church, but Ronan would be found on Sunday mornings frantically flipping through that first communion bible of his, looking for some truths, while his left hand would scratch at his arms, his neck, his legs, any bare bit of flesh that it could claw at to get some sense of what was real and what was not real and what was right and what was wrong. And Adam, poor Adam who never asked for any of this and never asked Ronan to kiss him in the first place, didn't know what to do other than gently pry that damned bible out of his boyfriend's hands. 

"It's not a big deal," Ronan repeats. "I'm gonna text Declan first, then Matthew."

"Alright. Do you want Gansey to be here?" Adam knows that when Ronan gets like this sometimes, he needs Gansey above all. 

Ronan is uncomfortable addressing his dependence for Gansey. "No," he snaps. "I said it's not a big fucking deal, so it isn't."

Adam's eyes travel to the raw half-crescent indentations on Ronan's wrists that weren't there yesterday. "Okay," he says lamely. "I'll be here though."

Ronan immediately regrets snapping at his boyfriend. He still has to get used to the intimacy and affectionate little things that boyfriends do, apparently. Adam did all those things before, but now it's more official because they're actually boyfriends. He can't bring himself to look Adam in the eyes, and feels the couch dip a little as Adam sits very close beside him. He's no good at this gay stuff. He's waiting for the day Adam realizes he's defective and moves on. 

He's not even sure if he's gay or if he's one of the other things that Blue told him about. Apparently, there's options. Ronan remembers Niall nodding attentively and focused during mass, as the priest preached about the dangers and allure of new age sin. Sin, these days, was being brainwashed into the minds of children under the false pretence of happiness. You see, you could think you're happy, but really be preparing your soul to go to hell. It was all very complicated, and Ronan remembered; thou shalt not covet. 

Adam lightly places his lips on a particularly deep scratch on Ronan's neck that Ronan couldn't cover with a sweater. It grounds him, and brings him back to the present. 

His fingers feel numb, like he's drunk or high or something, as he types out a text in his tiny keyboard on his phone and mechanically sends it to both Lynch brothers. It's all too real, and he can feel his heart pounding and his boyfriend's slow breaths on his exposed collarbone. 

"See," he says hoarsely. "It's not a big deal."


End file.
